BATTLE ROYALE – Jimmies VS. Sprinkles
A war with casualties to challenge even the French American War, the battle between these seemingly simple and commonplace Confectionery toppings claims innocent lives by the thousands. Do not be fooled by their facade, for a man who underestimates the glee derived by these mortal foes from killing random Ice Cream Parlor patrons is as good as dead. Sprinkles bring nightmares to put Pennywise to shame.
Now, to aide you in your attempts to survive the accursed battlefield of the Sprinkle/Jimmie battalions, I bestow upon you this timeless, necessary knowledge -
SPRINKLES
VS.
JIMMIES
- did you catch that?
Let me clarify, if you wish to survive an onslaught of ravenous fury from an avalanche of murderous Sprinkles, you will learn you some sense, right now!
To the left you see RAINBOW SPRINKLES.
To the right you see CHOCOLATE JIMMIES.
Get it right, survive the night.
Fail to comply and awaken to the searing pain of being flayed alive by millions of homicidal Jimmies.
Now there are many in the country who would claim that the word Jimmies is racist and was commonly used as a slur to describe people of darker skin tone. Well, get it straight, in New England we had enough class not to use such ridiculous and offensive words as insults, so IN New England, Jimmies is not a racist word, it is a fucking Sundae topping. So shut your mouth.
But you know what IS a racist word?
COLORED.
Hence the aforementioned RAINBOW Sprinkles. If you order your Black Raspberry Chip with Colored Jimmies, I will kill you. I absolutely, cannot request such a thing as Colored Jimmies on my ice cream. The word Colored catches in my throat like I tried swallowing a switchblade. Yes, it is true, 90% of the populace is accustomed to the word Colored and would have no reaction to ordering such a thing as Colored Sprinkles on their ice cream, but somehow Jimmies is just out of fucking line.
Jimmies may have been offensive in Talulah, Mississippi, but Colored was derogatory and offensive EVERYWHERE!
Straighten up and fly right, people! And get my Mint Patty with Chocolate Jimmies, please? Thanks.
